paused
can't concentrate
can't think about anything for more than 30 seconds
can't remember what I knew I had to do just this morning
can't read the fucking email containing the description of his life
can't get past the part that says when he died
just can't
can't think about it
can't think about anything else either
just floating somewhere between I can't breathe and, nothing at all
I keep trying to work, but I can't concentrate
can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing
can't get up the motivation to do it
easy as it is
Fighting the mad urge to just run
run, run, escape away
fighting the want to curl up and whither
fighting the urge to giggle hysterically over nothing
need a hug so bad I can almost feel it,
and it hurts to need something that much at such a purely physical level
hurts my skin, my eyes, my brain that just
stopped somewhere this weekend and will not start the gears grinding again
trapped in infantil coldness
unable to assimilate what is happening
not really wanting to
okay with avoidance, but only so long as it works for me
and we're getting to the place where it just isn't working anymore
I can't start leaking now
stop it
push it down
push it away
stop letting it penetrate
make it gone
just make it through the day
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