Conversations (God, Father, Child) part 1: GOD...
and so i began to ascend from the end days of my existence
rescinding all truth and fact
what truths i lack
could be traced to a source unknown to human eyes,
thus i become euthanized
is this visual suicide?
stepping forth into the spiritual world
past descendants swirl about me
like a metaphysical cloud that shrouds me
and formed into a worn tattered rag
that fixed itself into the visage of the holy father...
knowing me,
i scoffed at his image
"listen,
if you are HIM then tell me my sins
and why i lie and deny innocence..."
i said it with a steady voice of false pride
the lost eyes of the king of kings ran upon me
and saw me for what i was
-a scared child-
and broke down the tiers
while broke into tears
stealing my saltwaterfalls
and intruding into my irises
i couldn't speak, but sob
as he said no words to me...
but his piercing gaze discerned in me
a birth of creation
replacing the nerve in me
and worthless greed...
with bursting speed,
i attempted to exit the heaven i searched in dreams
descending into nowhere
as i fell back to the earthen grave
from which my birth had came...
as the tears began to dry
evaporating back in to the dust that had made my mistrust
this tough core that formed upon me
the sky opened up as i laid there
sobered up
yet reeling from the feeling of a hopeless drunk
and the mighty image poured into the gorge in the clouds
and bellowed
"that's why"...
simply...
he told me...
in the most silent of screams,
he faded...
"that's why..."
he disappeared...
the sky returned crystal clear
and i was sitting in a different sneer
with this fea in my heart
that it was my fear that kept me chained
from ever becoming this
that of which was promised to me
before i walked this earth...
my birthright was to rule egypt through political positions
and lead the citizens out of the gallows
instead, i wallow in self-pity
"the way i ran..."
i left his presence
literally...
this is me...
escape artist extroadinaire
he had answered me without words
he had shown me without response
that i was responsible for my own actions
by leaving his chapel of light
i fought myself
and wrought myself in this swollen plight
i fell into myself
running from everything
including GOD himself...
then i fell into myself
and fell from heaven
lesson learned...
death reached out of the ground and began to console me
luring me with lurid sweet scents
of decadent death
destined for a repressive breath
i laid quietly...
running in a human race,
THE human race...
i fell short
i ran so far that everyone i loved was gone
and i was here...
alone...
and so i began to descend from myself
and fall deep into a pit
which epitomized my pity
that is,
until he reached for my hand...
at first, i was reluctant to touch it
because i knew whose was it
but i wasn't ready to let these death offerings
cost me my offspring...
part 2: DAD...
the visage pulled me from the defecit
in the land where my resting place was my requisite
the requiem had not yet sounded
as i was bounded by transgression
i had been collided...
broken in two by feelings of anger and sadness
bombarded
cold-hearted , i rescinded my fingertips from his
refusing a thanks to escape my lips
i pictured his beard
grown haphazardly
as my own
i pictured his eyes
amber as the nubian sun
as my own
i pictured his scruffy demeanor
face sullen with worry upon an otherwise clean figure
as my own
laughing contrite
i begged his pardon as to why he decided to give a damn
after living lam in death
on the run as i was
from his life that he was trapped in
now laughing harder
i bargained with reason
to release this tension from my head
for he seemed clean
free from sin
white
pure
saved from all pain and regression
regretting having lost himself
from my countenance
a thousand "way to go"s ago
a thousand "congratulations" ago
a thousand "i love you"s ago...
i hated him
and in turn hated myself because i was him
i am what he was
and continued to be
what he died as...
"i lived my life to escape your death..."
"arrogance proceeds you, son"
"the deeds you've done have rubbed off on me"
"nothing i've done has become you"
"except the lack of a strong black male figure"
"that you had to become your own..."
i looked at him through pre-moistened irises
and i couldn't restrain the pain of his words any longer
i longed for this moment since i knew that he wasn't
and here he was
explaining who i was
and i lunged at his white robe
attempting to mar the far-flung dark one
contrasted with blank purity
that appeared before me
throwing fists and knuckles
i buckled
"FUCK YOU!"
suddenly, as my face bled with stinging resistance
i realized that he had not touched me...
i fell to my knees in disgust
seeing my own blood on my hands
blood streamed with tears
tears streamed with my own filth
still he stood there
not mocking,
but watching
watching the self-analysis further before him
GOD had fooled me
and so did he
my father had taught me
that all these
missed birthdays
broken bring your son to work days
remissed father's days
that we missed
i had forced my pain upon myself...
i CHOSE to hurt
as i had just swung on myself...
he did nothing
he couldn't have done anything
he was dead...
he had said that his mistakes were not my own
well, neither were mine his
and i realized this
just as he disappeared
he left me a second time
but the blessing is
this time i'm old enough to see him for what he was
instead of what fear and lack of memory perceived me to be...
soon the darkness cleared
and gave way to light
as the contrast died,
a small figure walked
transcending light and dark
he/she stepped to me
i was confused on what it could seem
for the first time in my life,
i did not know who one was
but myself
was clearer to me than i ever could've been
i saw the figure
and the figure whispered,
"ready, dad?"...
part 3: SON...
i envisioned him in disbelief
"ready for what?"
escaped my lips...
these last two images had left me inebriated
in the grip that only harsh reality could ever implicate me with
so i was left in a state of separation from myself
i wasn't ready for anything anymore...
my entire concept of up and down
right and wrong
good and evil
shattered into a million questions
questions only this one could answer....
"to be enlightened," my seed said
in the farthest outreaches of my mind
i wanted to run again
but this time my legs were shackled
bound by my realization that i had been running
all my life
i wanted to cry and curse and spew fire and brimstone
but my mouth was unable to speak of negativity
when it realized that i wasn't meant to hate or regret
all i could do was sit there
sit with the most wondrous intent
as my hand extended slowly for his face
my fingers running up and down his cheek
feeling the contour as of my own
i looked in his eyes
and saw joy
saw innocence
saw recreation
a second chance
he wouldn't be my mistake
nor would he follow in my footsteps
that i took and tripped over
but he would carve his own way
and hear my cries and see my running
and do neither...
he wouldn't be a victim of my sins
nor would i implicate him for such heinous crimes that he wasn't present for
no longer would a prior being be cursed
or an afterthought personified be damned
he was my salvation
my peace
my perfect imperfection
i looked over my seed
and simply whispered to him,
"thank you, son...
i understand now."
in those eyes,
i saw lee ernest love
a notorious womanizer
who paid for his transgressions
by contracting the monster
and i was robbed of a father no longer
because i was never robbed
i chose to give up the thoughts and let them die
in a sea of hatred and darkness
that had overcame me for so long...
in this boy's eyes,
i saw my LORD and SAVIOR
and he smiled
knowingly
for years, i had avoided HIM
i was fearful of what wasn't there
but was
and i secretly held ill feelings towards him for every fucked up thing
in my life
that man in those eyes told me
that one day i'd realize that running nowhere isn't running
it's escaping reality...
i let go of this boy's face
and he walked off slowly
and said behind him,
"you did well, dad...
you did well."
my eyes closed.
my body stiffened.
finally
my soul was at rest...
i was dead.
dead,
yet reawakened...
i left this spirtual continuity
and returned back into my bed
descending from this place
that had awakened me
and i had awoke
for the first time in years
with a smile...
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