I want to enter some other stories that I think are good reading and part of my life. I want to put them here if I can.
She has a classroom full of children that all want her attention. They are all parts of her that she needs to keep calm until she can find out what they all want and need. Even what they have lost. They don't have names but their faces are still almost mirror images of herself. They do not grow as she grows, she is always the teacher. They are always the lost children that followed her around.
They have chores to do.
They have school to attend.
They have teachers they adore.
They have people they see but never close.
They have a home that they love and fear at the same time.
They have a mother they love more than themselves.
They have a father they dread and they often wish dead.
They have a church that teaches their way with no other say.
They have a church that hovers over Faith and Devotion.
They have a church that divides their soul in half.
They have different memories of times and places.
They have dreams that don't go far beyond themselves.
They have wonderful mountains and valleys where they live.
They have one special friend that lives just down the road.
They have this friend that sees some of them unfold.
They have babies that are always part of family life,
They have skills that keep the home in motion,
but keep her bound.
They have some things they can take with them,
when its time to go.
They have other things to find,
that they have never known.
Susan Hebert Ajaz
poetrypublisher.com/sajaz "News page"
The Matador and the Bull
She's the matador, he's the bull and they are squaring off for a not so unusual altercation called a
"bullfight". Now the problem with this first statement is that "is the bull fighting the matador or is the
matador fighting the bull? At first it looks like playing. In training that's where they begin - playing. A group of the novices go out to confront the charging object.
There would-be-matador is up first, with the rest of them right behind. The first bull is a baby. Maybe 800lbs, long horns, bony but fit, a tail. The baby bull that stands on his feet just a little taller than the tallest novice, charges at this line of stupid people and thinks he will just pick them all off one at a time. Fun stuff for a toddler! He charges and manages to push the whole group back at once and he's on top of the world. But they don't play fair.
Someone has to catch the tail. It becomes like an anchor that pulls the young bull back from his fun playfulness. This is hands-on experience that brings "reality" to the table or, in this case, the ring.
This is a real "force of nature", make no mistake about it. They can feel him and his power and he is
not yet full grown.
This one is a baby, a toddler and he just pushed them all backwards. They do regroup, surrounding
him and pulling him to the ground where he is no longer in the game. He will live to become a
"Daddy Bull", weighing thousands of pounds that paws the ground and blows fire from his nostrils. He will cause the world much controversy because he has been doomed from the start. I mean, everything comes to an end, right? But this is considered cruel by more than a few animal rights activists. Don't they consider that he's been treated like royalty from the time he was born, petted, groomed, fed the finest grains, allowed to forage in the greenest fields on earth, and trotted out for respectful examination? Has anyone compared this to the bulls that are raised and lead to slaughter? Just wondering.
My dad raised some pigs that way in small pens in the garage. They were tiny little things when Dad first got them. He let them loose on the kitchen floor where they danced on tiny feet and squealed non-stop. He called my name but I was already coming because of all the racket. They lived in the pens till they were slaughtered after a year. Today, I guess, that would be considered "cruelty to animals". Back them it was food on the table. They did the slaughtering somewhere else and then they brought the first two halves into the house and up onto the dining room table where every part was cut and packaged for the freezer. I did not have to participate in this. I was a kid. It was out of my realm. Looking back, I'm grateful. Maybe I'll spare you the chickens we had to pluck. At least we hadn't raised them!
But the time has come for both the bull and the matador. Do they know each other? Have they met in the training ring? Maybe, but that is no longer where they are. This is "The Ring", the final frontier. Well final for the bull anyway. You know what's coming right? They both stand like "king" and "queen" in a brief stance that leads to the first wonderous dance. There's a little circling, they are head to head. Here comes the first charge, she is ready with the red flag. Bull's don't know its a "cape". To them its a red flag. Maybe they don't even see colors. But when he hits the flag, she isn't there! Where did she go! He stops short a little confused but only for a second.
"There she is, waving that flag over there. I'll get her this time, just watch me. Maybe this time I should blow a little smoke. That'll show her! I'll give her my best ground pawing ever! You know, to go along with the smoke. Watch out, here I come! Charge! Missed again? She didn't go the same way this time. She went left instead of right. No fair! What about the rules? Hey, what's that thing sticking out of my back? It hurts a little, like a big horsefly. Kind of pretty all braided that way. Damn fly, now I'm bleeding! Where is she? How dare she! I can beat her with a flick of my tail!"
"Another charge, another pass and another and another. I keep getting closer. I can see her sparkles over the flag, one of my horns even touched her. She's still there. It's getting embarrassing. A fly like her getting me all hot and bothered! And my tail never got a lick. There's more sticks in my back. There starting to hurt a little more but mostly I'm tired. I wonder if all that blood has anything to do with it? Can't we take a break, start over, call a truce? She's not tired. She looks fresh as a daisy while I'm, here trying to blow fire but I'm too spent to start any. Wait, her eyes look different, she "is" tired, but there's something else. She's going to finish this and we may both be losers. But I'm the one on the ground with her standing over me waving the sword that finished me. Have we both been waiting for the same thing?"
Susan Hebert Ajaz
see poetrypublisher.com/sajaz "news page"
Today I decided to take "Berlin" hill to get home to Northfield. It's one of my favorite drives through winding roads with beautiful secluded homes that blend in with the rustic surroundings all along a gravel dirt road. These roads are "graded" with giant grader equipment that rakes the road. This is done a couple of times a year to repair potholes and washboard effects that make driving dangerous. Mostly local people drive here with the occasional out-of-towner that drives real slow. They probably wish they had taken a different route but are hoping it will lead somewhere safer; paved ground.
There is a treacherous end to this road that has a steep downgrade. In the Spring it will be muddy and rutted and slippery. Not a good idea. No guardrails on the sides, dropping down a hundred feet into a wooded area where no one would find you if you weren't already dead. Vermonters know it and know when not to go that way. Homeowners buy mud Jeeps to navigate the slime and climb to their homes that they love. Locals just like the "shortcut" around more traveled roads, if there is such a thing in Vermont.
I know the road well. All its bends and dips and even the adrenaline rush coming down the other side. There's a car in front of me going very slow. I need to get where I'm going so I start to drive around thinking they were either scared or had car trouble. I didn't think to stop to offer assistance. When I drive, I rarely watch other drivers in their cars, I prefer to keep my eyes on the road and where I'm going. I didn't see the passengers in the car or the "come-on smile" on the driver's face. I did know he was a man. A passenger in front, movement in the back. I move to go around.
I didn't realize he was speeding up, just that I wasn't getting past, thinking I needed to give it more gas. I was increasing my speed but still not getting past, not comprehending why I wasn't. I gave it more gas and then thought something wasn't right. Then there's a car coming at me head-on, a new terrifying situation. I dropped back in a maneuver I had never had to use before. I made it but I was shaking badly. I looked ahead at the car that I had tried to pass. There were brake lights on but then he gunned the engine and sped away. I was angry beyond reason but I wanted that license number! I knew the road better than he did and I kept up but the speed was becoming to much for me. Still I got the number and then backed off and let him go. There were no "cell phones" at this time to instantly report a problem driver. I had a lot of time to argue with myself as I continued the rest of my drive. By the time I made it home, I decided to just forget about it. That's how I was. Just let it go. Don't make a fuss.
I had to go to the local grocery store for some items I needed and was pulling out when I saw his car. Not possible! It couldn't be him, could it? I am not goo at recall of car models, color or size, but it was him. I drove by slowly and then I knew. The back of the station wagon was open and there were small people inside. I got out to look. They were all staring at me with knowing looks of surprise. I looked at their little faces and I started to cry, tears falling freely. They were his children. His wife had been in the front passenger seat. She was in the back, feeding something to the kids. The man's eyes locked on mine and I asked him why? Why would he risk his entire family in a purposeful action of playing "chicken"? I did not know I was a participant and it had almost been to late! His defense was that it was illegal to pass on the left side of the road, that I was breaking the law. You did that with your kids in the car, your whole family. If had been just me and you, ok. But your family!
I walked away, later finding out he was a race car driver for "Thunder Road" racetrack in Barre. It was a place of excitement that I loved to watch, the cars racing at breakneck speed trying to get passed each other to win the race. There were many accidents, flip-overs, blown tires. We all had our favorite drivers that could outdo the others. We cheered on the newcomers, waiting for them to fail, usually at the end of the line. Sometimes they just pulled into the pitstop afraid to go on. I didn't go to the track after that. It just didn't have the same draw for me as it once had.
Susan Hebert Ajaz
Date of event 1970
I was getting lost with my poems and needed to do some alphabetical changes. Now there are two alphabetical sections that divide the dates entered.
Praise God for all his blessing. He blessed me more than I could imagine. I have known all along that my poems(most of them) are His own words breathing through me. But seeing and reading them from today's older time I have seen His gift brought back to me more glorious than ever.
New Poems are in the first section without any stars. Some of them had dates from way back in the 1990's
As you can see, there are a lot more poem entries than ever before. There are two divisions that are alphabetized. I am in the process of entering poems from my two books, that never got entered before and then finding those poems that are around the house and making sure they have not been overlooked. My goal is to get all and any poems all in one place for all who want to see and read them. Ultimately I will be looking for the person that my Lord, Jesus Christ would have me trust and turn over the work to. At the present time, I do not know who that may be. I do look toward the members of the wonderful people in the congregation I have been a part of for years going back as far as 1973. It does amount to a small amount of money per month, $10 and a password. I am not dying but my years are much shorter now. Still it is not unheard of that I could live another 10-20 years. Not one of us knows' but we often look for it right and left instead of enjoying the present. My husband had to have a stent put into one of the by-pass veins he had in 1995. So maybe he has another 10-20 years, again unknown. I don't want the work the Lord gave me to do to disappear. He is the great Almighty God and has already increased the readers of this wonderful work. Enjoy reading, come back to the reading, it will continue to have value as years go by. It has given me purpose and meaning in my walk with Him. I know it will bless you as well. Their are many of you, 97,795 so far. Thank you for your devotion to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
My twin grandchildren will be 4 years old this month and our first born granddaughter will be 7 years old. We celebrate everyone on the same day however that will fit. My younger daughter and her husband will be celebrating their 2nd anniversary. It will be a busy month.
I'm back in Vermont in my childhood home visiting my sister, Bonnie and my older brother, Pete. In case I never told you how old I am, next year will be the big 70! And yes I'm old but the Lord is still guiding me along the way. He is with me more than ever now. He has brought me out of all my hiding places and bringing all of me out in the open. You can spend a lifetime not understanding what we still haven't gotten to. Something we've been holding back without even realizing it. Coming back to my childhood home has already helped me with my spiritual renewal. Not everybody has that childhood home to really go back to but only memories. Don't give up. Ask for his help. He's right there waiting. Trust Him.
Ready to enter some more beautiful poems that our Lord has given me. They are so beautiful and I am blessed that He has given the work back to after a terrible year(2017) with mental health issues and a complete breakdown. Stay connected with our Lord no matter what. Know that He is the one we serve not He that serves us. He grants us the things we need, in his time. He works through our rights and wrongs and helps us to excavate all that is within us that keeps us from growing. The new poems will show you some of that growth and surrender.
Over 90,000 viewer hits on the poems God has given me to write. I pray through these works of ark that help bring me back to where I need to be.
Its almost my birthday! I was born in 1950. You do the math. I have been more than occupied with the care of twins, who are now 2 1/2 years old and my 5 1/2 year old granddaughter. She will be starting kindergarten this fall and the twins will be starting pre-school. A few things have changed with their care. Their Mom has total care of all three of them now and is a full-time Mom. Let me tell you that watching three little ones is no small thing and it turned out that this sixty-plus grandmom could not stand the challenge. I slowly became overwhelmed with their care and decided to step back and let Mom and Dad take over.
Its a little more complicated than that. My bi-polar condition came back to prey on me because I was literally completely burned out. I had also been slowly leaving my spiritual journey behind me, having only enough strength to spend on my grandchildren. I neglected the work the Lord gave me on this very website. It took almost a year to put all this back together again and get back on track both physically and mentally. This week God brought another surprise to my attention. I began working here with these beautiful poems God gave me. I was very happy to see that there were over 8,000 hits expressing the fact that many people have been looking at these poems over the time I was not able to. Just this week I was taken aback when I again took a look at the number of poems that all my followers were reading. I was so astounded that I showed it to my daughter and asked her what that number was. I had been leaving out one number, making the true total to be over 84,000 poems! Praise God that I had not completely abandoned the work He gave me.
If you find yourself lagging behind in your walk with the Lord, don't give up and don't think that you have gone to far away for God to grab you back into His kingdom. He really came back for me and is more real than I ever imagined. Now on with the journey. I am very excited to see what He has planned.
I have been a grandmother for a whole year now and time just keeps moving on faster and faster. Even with my own two daughters, I have not known such happiness as this. I struck a deal with my daughter and her husband that I would care for her baby while they worked. Not for free as some grandmothers do. The experience of having her as such a large part of our lives is beyond what any amount of money could pay. My husband and my youngest daughter are both a large part of the process. My husband has turned into the mushiest "pop-pop" ever and is such a great grandpa. My youngest daughter teaches her songs and plays games on the computer with her watching. "Baby-proofing" is something that keeps evolving as she grows. She is walking now and runs rings around all of us. I have often wondered why mothers are always so exhausted from caring for one child. Now I realize it is from being in this constant state of "high alert" while listening or chasing after a toddler. Now I'm waiting for a second one? The word "family" has taken on a whole new meaning.
It has been awhile. My first grandchild is now almost 3yrs old, at which time we will be expanding the family by two more babies(twins), a boy and a girl. I'm trying not to abandon my poetical work but it's been hard to keep up...with the twins coming it can only get worse. I truly believe I am here on this earth for them now. I do need to work on my health as I am not very disciplined about my weight and exercise. I am both excited and terrified about the prospect of two more little ones to care for!
10/24/2017 My youngest daughter, Noreen has just married her teenage sweetheart and will be starting there new and complicated married life. Looking forward to seeing them grow in their love for each other.