warrior
Think I swam too deep,
into the sea within my mind.
I can hardly breathe,
in the space where I'm confined.
Too afraid to see,
eyes tightly closed,
trying to make sure,
I am not exposed.
I hold myself hostage.
my own worse enemy.
I am responsible,
for not letting go of me.
I can hear your voice,
echoing in my head.
I can't hear what your saying,
But I remember what you said.
The sound is getting muffled,
words are drowned out.
Once there was direction,
now there's only doubt.
If I release my soul,
it will imprison me.
extinguish the anguish,
that has risen in me.
Now I find myself,
Losing once again.
must remember where I'm going,
forget where I've been.
Reflections ripple deep,
within the water's bliss.
it's here I am satisfied,
safe in my abyss.
caught within the grasp,
of my own indecision.
must stay focused,
avoid inner collision.
Struggling between,
sense and senseless emotion.
need something to hold onto,
to pull me from this ocean.
again I hear your voice,
far in the distance.
showing me the way,
with gentle persistence.
stepping outside the madness,
coming up for air.
looking for a helping hand,
and I find you there.
Cannot give up the fight,
have to stay the course.
My will is stronger,
I want no remorse.
Choking on uncertainty,
gasping for breath.
Breaking the water's surface,
into the sun's caress.
courage becomes abundant,
as I step onto the shore.
I recognize this place,
I've been here before.
But that was so long ago,
I can't remember when.
I guess it was before,
I could comprehend.
But I will give it one more try,
I think that I can.
however this late in life,
this was not in my plan.
I set down my shield,
my heart no longer veiled.
I think I've won the battle,
I think I have prevailed.
Armor cast aside,
weapons no longer drawn.
heart wide open,
gentle but strong.
Taking down my guard,
you said I would feel light.
But now I'm not so sure,
that the time is right.
I feel the old familiar,
anxiety arise.
I'm sorry I don't think I can,
Remove my disguise.
I feel as if I'm naked,
walking in a crowd.
I was safe within my cave,
showing only what I allowed.
like a turtle in a shell,
I withdraw back inside.
Maybe just not as deep,
one step at a time.
I rise above my own fears,
a guardian I become.
to the ones life left behind,
the weak and the young.
so without my weapons,
how to I protect?
Without my shield,
how do I deflect?
If not for myself,
then for those who depend.
for me to lean on,
and for me to defend.
Maybe if I'm not as hidden,
but myself I must remain.
I have to be the strong one,
to take away their pain.
I'm not sure if you understand,
or if I can even explain.
maybe I'm just crazy,
or partially insane.
So what does it matter,
if I don't cast blame?
who does it hurt,
if I just stay the same?
as much as I desire,
I can't release the pain.
because as hard as I try,
I don't think I change.
so do you think it's alright,
if I simply refuse?
provided I unmask,
for only a chosen few?
Tamara Seraph
Copyright 2010
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